Borring~

In my poor attempt to make brownies yesterday, i read the recipe paper which i had printed out @ work..I mean there's a first time for everything, right ?

So i mixed and poured & mixed some more..the color was not as dark as it was supposed to be, but it's okay, cause then it gave me the excuse of calling it "caramel brownie"..lol..

It was done around 8-ish..my mom took a bite & said it's too good, except for the excessive sugar..i mean i recipe did mention i have to put 3 cups of sugar..and so i did! But she had a point! it was too sweet, and it would've been softer if i had put less sugar in it! prolly 1 1/2 cup ?!?!

My brother took a bite and said it's gooood :D but fattening..lyke duh ?

My sister, as always, didn't say a thing :( i doubt she even tasted it!

Speaking of which! It's her birthday tomorrow, so as soon as i'm up tomorrow morning, i'll give her the Swarovski bracelet i got for her :D and the card, ofcourse..

I hope she likes them!

So..i'm psyched about baking..i just hope i get around to learning how to make those yummy delish brownies! aaandddd i also have to learn how to make cookies! :( Butterscotch cookies in particular!

I brought those "caramel brownies" to work today..gave one to the guy next to me..he didn't say anything! I take it he didn't like it ? lol

I'm gonna give one to who ever comes my way..but most importantly, COMPLIMENT IT PEOPLE! hee hee

Me and the other girl switched positions for a week..I'm supposed to know what she's doing and vice versa! In case one of takes a leave, the other one has to do both tasks!

So I sit here..upstairs..in exile..butttt, i figure it's only for a couple of days!

But hey! it's not that bad! i mean yeah she has a sucky job..but the place is actually nice! Even though i have the HR guy's office on my left side, and the CEO's on my right..it's not so bad, RIGHT ?

I like the fact that the lights are dimmed here..and i like her table! it's glass and i'm lovin it!!

Butt..Only for a week..:(


So yesterday, Diaa - the astrology freak - my sort of BFF - aka studying in Jordan - told me that as of the 29th of this month - aka today - everything will get better, and that today (lol) will be the best day of the year!

OKay, i know i read my horoscope/astrology from time to time, and even though i've subscribed to Sara Freder's mailing list (LOL), i try and not believe in these things! EVEN THOUGH..things have happened in the past that have made me believe in them..things that i've read and that have come true!..lol..i need a shrink!

How is that possible when i hate Tuesdays!..lol..Supersticious much you ask ?

No.

Just a freak of nature.

Untitled

It was amazing! absolutely maginificent!

This play uplifted me! made me feel so much better about myself!


how did it all start ?

What went wrong ?

I must've asked myself this question so many repetitive times!


I was 12, extremely shy, geeky, nerdy looking..with no voice to speak up for myself! i was a nobody!

School was the only "social" life i really had..Being young and living in the community i did, i wasn't allowed to minglewith the outside world much..not even at all!


If school was a female, she would have been a total bitch! An annoying pain in the ass persona!

My classmates were asswipes! i never really got along with anyone..There were times when i found myself stuck in so many different cliques..
At first it seems cool, to be a part of something..To be surrounded with friends..But as i went along with it, it felt so wrong! Like what the hell am i doingamongst these people? i don't even belong here! We're not even on the same page when it comes to the whole concept of life..and living!

I was small..but i was aware! Aware that someday i'd let all these bottled up feelings and emotions, and anger out of my system! I was a time ticking bomb!

Always feeling like an outsider amongst my peers, we never really got along on one simple topic!If they chose to go left,i would choose to go right!it was wierd..I thought school was supposed to be the best years of our lives ?!?!

After a while, i kept on getting more and more exposed to the outside world! And i LOVED IT!I wished i could escape this miserable place and run away to a whole new place, new faces, a new life!!

This shy ugly duckling was turning into a dark,sarcastic, bitchy person! Oh & i got introduced to new hair products!
That's one thing that's bothered me my entire highschool years! everyone teasing me cause of my hair!!
it was soon after that they found out how amazing it is! just a bit of work on it and voila!

There's something that's interesting..people tell me that when i was in kindergarden, i used to play with the boys! Was i never a girly girl back then ? Or did i simply enjoy spending time with the lads ?
I wish my parents had taken more pictures of me when i was a child, and video taped me doing random stuff more often!
I can just imagine watching a video of myself when i was 2! The feelings and emotions that would run through me!So Surreal!

I've always been called names!People had a kick in nicknaming me! A hater.. an outsider..an angry person..crazy..funny..perky..Some people think i'm this bubbly girl, who's always happy! and other thinks that i'm just this big pessimist who hates the world and everything in it!

So who knows me best ?

I guess i have mutli personalities!



So what went wrong ?

Nothing.




I just opened my eyes one day, and came to the conclusion that this is NOT the life i choose to have!

I mean.. yes we're born in a certain way..in a certain family and that family gets to choose our lives and our paths for us!
They decide what we should wear, eat, be exposed to..and so on!But shouldn't that continue only upto a certain age ? let's say 18 for example! Afterwards they should let us be! let us choose the life we want!..to set us free!

That's what I wanted!..i should be able to define and decide what i want to do with my life! and whether people agree on this or not, in my mind this is the right way!

i think right about now, i have a whole new respect for foreigners and the upbringing of their children! I for one, would not want to lock my kid up in a shell and close it so he wouldn't be exposed to the outer world!

So here i am, a lost, confused wanderer..i had hopes and dreams..After highschool i thought i'd be on my way to a place that's far away from here! Boy was i wrong!

I'm still here..but hopefully not for long! I would never forgive myself if i don't give it a try! I want to try everything!

And this is why i auditioned for the play! and got accepted and became an essential member in it! This amongst so much more.

I want to do alot of things..even though i'm not good at all of them! i want to give them a go! My only fear is i won't have enough time! But..do we ever ?

I'm young, i'm aware of that..I just wish i had a time capsule to go back to when i was 12 and do things differently!

And even though, i hated my school and the people in it..and secretly wished Iran could bomb it :D ..i know that everything happens for a reason! And that i could live with!

What's done is done, and what's to come is of more importance.

I stand here alone, a girl with a voice..Finally!

But, no one to back me up !

I might have supporters every now and then..but they'd never understand how i truly feel! They're still living in a box..they'd live according to their parents and their community, because it's easier and more comfortable..Why would they put an effort in what they believe in ?..

So, there you have it..a girl who knows what she wants to do, but doesn't know how to do it..will i ever ??

I can only hope.


One day..

The Sucky Farewell

I shed a few tears as i sat on my bed thinking about what just happened! i had closed another chapter of my life! A short one might i add..

It was nice being around them! getting to know them..and just acting! an amazing experience!

It's scary..to meet new people..get to know them..and just as i've gotten comfy around them, it's time to say goodbye and move on! Why oh why!

i'll miss Josef the most! he's amazing..even though we've had our bad moments, he's a nice fella to be around!

And Jackie! even though i didn't spend much time with her, i felt like there's more to her! There's a story behind that sad face! if only i had found out what it is..will we ever meet again ? Only God knows.

My last night on stage..and it felt amazing..i hope they rebuild the theatre again! i'm looking forward to going back there and being a part of another production!

I'm scared of being scared! of getting my heart broken....I thought the only thing i was scared of was the dark ?and creepy insects! lol..These emotions and anxieties have come back to haunt me once again! Oh the mess..

I'm happy..i'm sad..i'm a deep blue sea of mixed emotions.




This too shall pass..

Just A Girl

What do i know ? i'm just a girl

What do i know ? i've no place in this world

What can I possibly offer you..

I've no strength..no brain..no saying in the matter

My opinions don't concern you one bit!

i am born with no rights

What ever i do..is concidered a "privilege" to you

I am insignificant

An unimportant brick in the wall

Don't bother staring at me in the eyeballs

I know you..you'd just be checking your reflection

So just walk past by me as if i don't even exist

I am but a girl, what am I worth ?

My life is planned out from birth

You can twist & turn me as you wish

You think i belong to you ?

That you're entitled to shut me up ?

What makes you think you own me!

Why should i sacrifice myself & what i believe in..for you ?

What about MY visions ? MY dreams ?

What about what I want ?

Ever took 2 minutes out of your busy schedule to ask me ?

Scream at me..yell..bluster in madness

Your words enter from one ear, and out the other

You provoked me, and so i fought back

I have no regrets..no remorse what so ever towards my actions

My tears were well worth it

The only thing i'm sorry about

Is the mistake that was me.





Who dares not speak his free thoughts is a slave — Euripides

Nothing lasts forever *2*

Here's the convo i had with my friend..FooFy ;*


& he's righttt!!


Him: call her see wats up with her

9eeray a7sn mnha

Moi: i dnt kno

i guess im scared of having friends in my life and knowing that someday ill lose em

Him: yuba walla ely yabeech oo y3zech ma ra7 y5leech aw ma ys2al faj2a



And you know what! That is SO TRUE!!!! & from now on i'll live by that! And God forgive me if i ever forget to call up my friends every now and then!!

Nothing lasts for ever..

So what went wrong ?

We used to be best friends! those couple of months were the best ! Even though i've only known you for like, less than 6 months..you were more than a friend! you were a soulmate!

You're one of the best people i've ever met!

After you quit your job, we just started to drift apart......and the saddest part is that, i used to critisize people who let go of their friends..who just stop asking or calling, and even caring..that's what happened..to me..to you..to our friendship!

You were my bestie!

I hope you know that i love you..always will.

In my Opinion..

The most annoying saying ever(well not ever, but in the meantime) is 'Behind every great man is a woman'......WTF....Okay, just to clear things out..i'm not a feminist! and you would never find me in one of those Woman's Rights sororities trying to defend women in any way possible, unless i'm asked to, or i'm just doing it for the purpose of helping someone, or if i'm trying to make a certain point & that's the only way i can..But other than that, i wouldn't be caught dead in one of em..because unlike some people, i honestly could care less about what people,AKA men think about me as a female, i know my rights! and i know that i'm entitled to do anything & everything i want!

Too bad i live in a fucked up society..

But yea, back to my point..How come it's the man that's in the front, and not the woman ?? Why is it that men think they're superior ?? Well, excuse you, it just so happens that unlike you - the male, women think with their heads,rather than their vaginas!

YESSS i'm mad, and i'm mad at the world,,i'm mad at every male there is, dead / alive/ unborn.....you're all disgusting creatures & you make me sick!!!!!

Oh, on a lighter note, in my opinion - from now on, if a girl wants to befriend a guy and vice versa, they should define their friendship.. Let the other person know about your intentions towards them, and make it loud and clear from the start..

Here's the scenario, there's this guy that i like (as a friend), and we hang around from time to time, he tells me his share of stories and i do mine..and for some reason, he's coming on to me!! DUDE! you're married for christ's sake!!! YOUR WIFE'S PREGNANT.....arghhhhhh &%##@^*^% i think it's time i end this friendship.

PS. i also don't buy in to the saying 'the sky is the limit'..there are no limits.......best believe it !

Memoirs of a Broken Heart

it was December of 2006, my senior year..My school teacher announced that they were going to take us to a 2 day conference in Sheraton, regarding terrorism and such.We were all so thrilled we'd get to escape school for 2 days!
The 1st day arrived and we went..it was Our school along with other english schools..indian,arabic & french!
It was boring as hell, but somehow i managed to bypass it..Sitting around the dining table,my classmates(the girls) told me how happy they are i actually tagged along for this one! Me being the distant & carefree person that i am, i never interacted with my classmates outside of school! Not my type of people :p
The 1st day ended as the 2nd day began..i remember it so clearly..i remember what i was wearing, and i remember it raining..i remember i ran under the rain for a brief moment just to feel the rain on my skin,,until the headmaster started shouting!LOL
I went up to my classroom along with some of the girls and blew dried myself..and then once the entire class arrived, we were off to the conference!
There were several groups..all of the students had to choose which group they wanted to be in, we were to be divided into what i recall were 3 groups! Our headmistress told us to stick together and choose 1 group, it would be better this way..
On that day, i gave a little speech, it was a request from my headmistress that ido so..it being my first, i was so nervous, i was talking so fast..but they all told me i did a great job!
After a while, it was time to take a break, me and my classmates started roaming around from one place to another..at some point we ended up in the bathroom, as some of the girls were fixing their hair/make up,,and some of them chilling in the sitting room inside the bathroom with those funky massage machines!
A bit before the last session was to start,we were chilling outside the hallroom,just talking and hanging around, i don't quite remember what happened, but one thing led to another, and one of the boys really hurt my feelings,my eyes filled up with tears..I left them & went and sat inside on my own as tears started streaming down my face..the hallroom was 3/4 empty, as most students were outside..at that moment, on the corner of my eye, i saw someone walk towards me from the front,and as he reached my end of the seats, he turned back, and started giggling,so did his friends!In my mind i was wondering what the hell was going on! All of a sudden, a couple of my classmateswalked in & were asking me if i was okay..and then it hit me! "OHH,that guy wanted to come up & talk to me!"..as my classmates were talking to me,trying to get me to go out with them..all i said was "guys, im fine,really! i just need some time to think!" LOL..So they left..and 2 minutes later,i see that same guy walk up towards me,and this time he came up to me and we had the following convo:
Him: Hi, can i sit here ?
Me: *Smiling* ya sure,go ahead..
i don't quite remember the entire convo we had, it was so fast,and oh well, my memory sucks!
Him: Why are you crying ?
Me: umm, one of the guys said something..and uuhh well it's personal..sorry
Again, very blurry memory..
Him: Can i have your number?
Me: I don't give my number to players..(LOL)
Him: *looks at me sarcastically* what makes you think i'm a players ?
Me: well i've seen you walking around with a bunch of girls with you..
Him: they're my classmates!!....(LOOOL fashla:p)
Me: oh..hehe..
Him: it's okay, you don't have to gimme your number if you don't want to..
Me: no it's okay..*giving him my number*
And then there was a pause for about a minute..until he up & left..GAY! I KNOW
After a while, my classmates came storming in!
Classmate: You need time to THINK, HUH ? ;)
Me: hehehehe,sue me :p

They all kept asking me about him,,who he is..what went on between us, and a bunch of corky questions!

Session began, and all i could think about was how wierd it was..it was the first time EVER for me to give out my number just like that,,heck it was the first time to get introduced to someone like that! But he was cute..and he seemed like a nice fella..it was somehow worth it..
He was sitting on the front of my right side..i kept on staring at him..couldn't stop thinking of what had just happened..dazed..confused..

Not knowing that this was just the beginning of a tragedy..

*to be continued..*

The Notebook

My dearest Allie,


I couldn't sleep last night because
I know that it's over between us.


I'm not bitter anymore, because I know
that what we had was real.


And if in some distant
place in the future


we see each other
in our new lives,


I'll smile
at you with joy


and remember how
we spent a summer beneath the trees


learning from each other
and growing in love.


The best love
is the kind that awakens the soul


and makes us
reach for more,


that plants a fire
in our hearts


and brings peace
to our minds.


And that's what you've
given me.


That's what I'd hoped
to give to you forever.


I love you.
I'll be seeing you, Noah

I want my Fairytale

Went to the avenues yesterday after work with mommy dearest,trolled around for a bit, until she ate my head off to go back home cause her feet were hurting her :/ Came home, watched Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants :p lool, meanwhile thinking about wether i should call him and tell him to meet me for lunch on Saturday ! the phone in my hand, going back and forth in my mind..i pick it up..i put it down..so FINALLY i sent him this message "So where are you taking me to lunch on Saturday at exactly 1 pm?:p"@ 10 ish..he didn't reply, so i called him @ 11..his excuse was he was driving when he got the message..and my response was "well you're not driving now,are you?"..he was like "no but i'm ordering food"..LOL AY SHAY ?? Boys will be boys!!

the guy works with me!! and it's sort of wierd....and he thinks the same..but i've got the hots for him!!! & &..he's too adorable..and somewhat a jerk if you ask me..in my opinion, if a guy wants to make an effort to impress a girl, he can make a hell of a good job, so why don't they ?? is it me? am i not worth it ??

Only time will tell..

For the time being, here's the lyrics of my favorite song of the movie Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants..

Can I ask you a question please
Promise you won't laugh at me
Honestly I'm standing here
Afraid I'll be betrayed.
As twisted as it seems,
I only fear love when it's in my dreams
So let the morning light come in
and let the darkness fade away

Chorus:
Can you turn my black roses red?
Can you turn my black roses red?

Drowning in my loneliness
How long must I hold my breath
So much emptiness inside
I could fill the deepest sea
I reach to the sky as the moon looks on
One last year has come and gone
It's time to let your love rain down on me

Can you turn my black roses red?
Cuz I'm feelin like I'll blame it on love

*to be continued..*

Marriage !!

Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants

The movie was out in 2005, and FUCK i just saw it like 2 weeks back!

My sister was ordering a bunch of stuff from Amazon so i went ahead and placed the order :D
i must've teared like 3/4 times while watching it! i absolutely LOVED IT!

The movie is based on the young adult book, The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants, by Anne Brashares. As four best friends spend their first summer apart from one another, they share a magical pair of jeans. Despite being of various shapes and sizes, each one of them fits perfectly into the pants. To keep in touch they pass these pants to each other as well as the adventures they are going through while apart.

After watching the movie, and then watching it again with my BF, lol, i turned over to her and asked her which of the 4 girls would she rather be ??

Here's the dilly:

1- Carmen : Travels to South Carolina to spend the summer with her Dad who turns out to be living with his future wifey, and her 2 kids.. She spends some time with them, and then throws a hissy fit and goes back home. After a while she phones her dad & unleashes everything, she tells how she feels and how he's been neglecting her..crying her eyes out,ofcourse..*i ask myself: does it seem familiar ?*

my favorite part of Carmen's scenes would be when she's on the phone with her father, and while she's trying to explain why she just left without a goodbye, and she's crying her heart out..you know, all these bottled up feelings just unleashed!

2- Lena : She's the shy one of the clan..girl doesn't even wear pants or a bikini..she travels to Greece to spend her summer with her grandparents..she meets this greek cutsie, and falls in love with him..he brings out the best in her..they spend the summer there together,yada yada, and then she returns and he goes back to his Uni in Athens ! ? Romantic, but..they seperate :( LOL

my favorite part of Lena's scenes is when she's standing on the rocks, looking down at the sea and thinking that those who have lost so much, lost their loved ones - are not afraid to put themselves out there and open up to love, but her, who has lost nothing, is so scared to open her heart.....and she just takes her clothes off and jumps :D the best part is that the greek guy sees her and jumps right after her,LOL :p

3- Bridgette : The one who makes everything seem funner.. travels to Mexico & sort of develops a strong crush on one of the coaches. (aka 100% off limits) She throws herself at him,but he knows his limitations......at the end they sleep together and she goes back home feeling like shit,lol..

I don't think i have a favorite part for B, i just liked her spontaneous personality, her drive for life..always wanting to be better and the best!

4- Tibby : The rebel, the one walking around saying screw the world. She stays at her hometown to work for a local Supermarket, so she can collect money for new video equipment..A new person shows up in her life unannounced, and becomes a huge part of her life..this 12 year old girl, who has leukemia! at first she finds it hard to cope with her, but after finding out about her conditions, she becomes more sympathetic..The girl eventually dies..and Tibby becomes more aware of her surroundings,and less emotionless.

This was my all-time favorite! the girl was just adorable,and oh-so smart! And yes, if i choose to be put in one of these 4 situations, it would be Tibby's! i don't know what struck me the most..i guess it would be the loss of someone dear to you..not that i wish for that to happen to me, but it just gives a whole new meaning to your life..

Even Tibby's personality rocked!! loved her..


i was googling the title of this movie, and Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2 popped up! :| lol i sent a message to my sister to order it, gottaa have it! must have it! shall have it! i WILL have it!!

But 1st i'm gonna watch the 1st one over again :p


infinite X's & O's

a noob's way of introducing herself

I, as you very well know, am a newbie to the whole "blogging experience".I've been meaning to get one (LOL) for a while now, but have always been hesitant..And the reason being, is that i was sort of petrified of unleashing the demons in me, AKA put them all to paper, or in this case, blogging ?!! BUTTTT ,it's the best solution from my point of view, since friends & trustees always let me down.. i'm ready to take the plunge in here..So here goes.

First thing's first! This will be completely private, i shall keep my identity anonymous :p none of my friends/acquaintances will know about this! and THAT'S the best part :p Oh and none of those blogger meetings as well, do i look suicidal to you ? (Rhertorical Q)

Glad to have cleared that out, so no pesky questions about who i am and so on :p


infinite X's & O's